The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
