Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i think i have two assholes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We don't watch enough power rangers
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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