You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
