It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
