god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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