Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
