True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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