I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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