So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
