his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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