i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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