Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
