Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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