fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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