so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
