I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize