Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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