They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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