I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
