i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
