Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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