1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize