your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
