I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
