she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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