Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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