Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
