Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
