So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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