Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
