my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
