just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You're a waste of cheezeits
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
