Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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