You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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