she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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