just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
