take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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