I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
