You made me cry and you don't even care
Just fell off a train. Bad.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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