Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
