Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
