this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It's just like the Real World with babies
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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