how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
