He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
