Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
In America we eat man semen.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
