A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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