So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
