I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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