She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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