It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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