Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
