I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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