I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize