sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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