He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
