Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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