I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
