Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
