Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
