3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
