And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
